THURSDAY
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[00:00:00] Thursday, we're almost at the end of the week, and today I'm handing you something you can use tonight if you need it. I'm Erica. This is raw regulation on the regulated life and today's tool is the, I need 90 seconds script. . This is the exact language for calling a biological timeout in a way that your partner's nervous system reads as care not abandonment, safety, not rejection, regulation, not stonewalling.
Let's get into it. Here's the pattern I see constantly in couples and individuals I work with. One partner hits the red zone, they shut down, they go quiet, or they leave the room. No explanation, no timeline, no reassurance. Just gone. And the other partner, especially if they carry any anxious attachment, patterning, [00:01:00] any history of being left, any early wiring around abandonment. Reads that silence as a threat. Their nervous system fires. I'm being abandoned, I'm being punished. This relationship is not safe. And now you have two people in the red zone. The first person's timeout is just triggered. The second person's hijacked, and the second person is now escalating. Following them, raising their voice, sending texts, doing whatever their nervous system does when it feels like connection is being withdrawn. Trying to pull them back into contact.
And the first person who genuinely needed to regulate is now more activated than before. They tried to leave. The timeout didn't work. Not because timeouts don't work. They do, but because the exit wasn't communicated in the way the other nervous system could receive, it is safe.
[00:02:00] Here's the neuroscience of why this matters. Your partner's nervous system needs three specific things to not interpret your exit as abandonment.
One a reason.
Not a detailed explanation, not a therapy session. Just a signal that this is about your regulation, not about rejection, not about punishment, not about, I don't wanna deal with you.
Two a timeframe.
A specific return window. Not in a little while, not when I'm ready. In actual time, I'll be back at 8.30 Specifically. Tells the nervous system, this has an end. They're coming back. I can wait.
Three, a connection anchor.
Some signal. Verbal, physical, [00:03:00] whatever is accessible at the moment that you're leaving the conflict, not leaving them, the relationship is intact. You're still in it. You're just stepping out of the red zone.
Here's your script. I want you to write this down.
Put it on your phone. Put it on a sticky note inside the cabinet, in your kitchen, wherever you'll see it when you need it. Don't worry. I put it in the show notes.
I love you and I'm not going anywhere. My nervous system is at capacity right now, and I know that if I stay in this conversation, I'm gonna say something. I don't mean. I need 20 minutes to regulate. I'll be back at eight 30 and I wanna finish this conversation. I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving the red zone.
" Let's break down why each piece matters."
I love you and I'm not going anywhere. It's a connection anchor. You're addressing the abandonment alarm before it fully fires. [00:04:00] You're telling their nervous system. The relationship is safe.
"My nervous system is at capacity."
It's a reason. Not, you're making me crazy. Not, I can't deal with you right now. It's about your internal state. It's honest, and it's not an accusation.
"I know that if I say I'm gonna say something, I don't mean."
This is the gift. You're telling your partner that the timeout is an act of protection for them, for the relationship. You are not leaving because you don't care. You're leaving because you do.
"I'll be back at whatever time" specific time. I'll be back at eight 30.
It's a timeframe. It's specific, it's concrete, it's nervous system, calming.
"I wanna finish this conversation."
That's a commitment to repair. You're not running from the conflict. [00:05:00] You're stepping out of the red zone, so you can't actually have the conversation.
"I am not leaving you. I'm leaving the red zone." This line is the one I want you to memorize. Above all others. It names what's happening in language that even in the activated nervous system can receive.
Now I know what some of you're thinking. Erica in the moment, I'm not gonna remember all that. I'm gonna open my mouth and something else entirely is gonna come out. You're right. Which is exactly why the title of this episode is the I need 90 seconds Script, not the, I'll Remember this when I'm activated script.
The 90 seconds refers to this, when you feel yourself approaching your red zone threshold. When the pulse check fires, when the jaw tightens, when the thoughts start narrowing, you have approximately [00:06:00] 90 seconds to initiate a regulated exit before the hijack takes full control. 90 seconds is your window, and the only way to use that window is to have practices before you need it. The best version of this is a shared agreement. A conversation you have with your partner when you're both regulated and connected. You agree together. When one of us calls a timeout using this language, the other agrees to receive it as care, not as abandonment.
You make it a shared protocol instead of a mysterious withdrawal. \ That conversation had in a calm moment can change the entire architecture of how conflict moves through your relationship.
Your homework. Practice the exit script out loud today, not in a conflict, just out loud, alone, so your mouth [00:07:00] knows how to form the words.
Your nervous system learns through repetition. The more your body is practiced saying these words. The more accessible they are when your upstairs brain is fighting for a signal in the red zone.
Tomorrow, our final episode of the week, the solo reset.
For the person who doesn't blow up at their partner. They just arrived home, already depleted and leaked that red zone energy onto everything and everyone in their evening. That one's going to land.
I'm Erica, use the script.
It might save a conversation tonight.
