Episode 17: The Biological Handshake: How to Stay Calm When They're Losing It | RAW Regulation

February 12, 2026

What do you do when they're the ones yelling?

In this 5-minute RAW Regulation episode, I'm teaching you about the Biological Handshake—a nervous system tool that changes everything about how you show up in conflict.

You can't force someone else to calm down. But your calm can settle their storm.

When you stay regulated, your nervous system becomes what I call a "Biological Home"—an anchor point that offers co-regulation to the people around you. This is the science of staying grounded when everyone else is escalating.

In this episode, you'll learn:

What co-regulation actually is (and why it's more powerful than trying to "fix" someone)
The Biological Handshake technique: how to lower your voice when they raise theirs
How to become a "Biological Home" for dysregulated people in your life
Why softening your gaze and slowing your breath can de-escalate conflict
The difference between healing a toxic system vs. staying stuck in one

This episode is for you if:

You're tired of matching someone else's chaos
You want to stop escalating in arguments
You're the "calm one" but you're exhausted from always being the regulator
You're ready to win back safety instead of winning the argument

Resources mentioned:

Take the FREE quiz: "Relationship Nervous System Quiz" → https://www.mind-fusion.com/relationship-nervous-system-quiz
Learn more about nervous system regulation and toxic cycles at mind-fusion.com

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00]

Welcome back. I'm Erica, and this is Raw Regulation. So here's the question I get all the time, Erica, what do I do when they're the ones yelling, when they're the ones dysregulated? Today we're talking about what I call the biological handshake, and it might completely shift how you show up in conflict.

/ Here's the truth. You cannot force someone else to calm down. You can't regulate them. You can't fix them. But your calm can settle their storm when you stay regulated. When your nervous system is anchored, you become what I call a biological home for the other person.

Your calm literally [00:01:00] offers their nervous system something to sink to. It's called co-regulation. Think about it, when someone is yelling at you, what do most of us do? We match their volume, we escalate, we defend, we attack back. What happens? The argument gets louder, the connection gets lost. Nobody wins.

So here's what I want you to try instead, when they raise their voice, you lower yours. Not in a condescending way, not in a look how calm I am way, but in a genuinely grounded way. Soften your gaze, relax your jaw. Breathe deeper and slower.

You are not trying to win the argument. You're trying to win back the safety.

Let's practice this for just 30 [00:02:00] seconds. I want you to imagine someone in your life who tends to escalate. Picture their face. Feel what happens in your body when you imagine them yelling.

Now take a breath with me in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Soften your shoulders. Soften your face.

This is your anchor. You are the biological home. When you stay here, you give them a nervous system to borrow until they can find their own again. Now, real talk. If you're in a relationship where the yelling never stops, where the chaos is constant,

you're the only one trying to regulate. This is not about learning better [00:03:00] tools. This is about recognizing a toxic cycle. We heal the system, not the person, and sometimes healing the system means stepping out of it.

/If this hit home for you, I'd love for you to take my free quiz, the Relationship Nervous System quiz. It'll help you see exactly where you're stuck. The link is in the show notes. Go create your sanctuary and I'll see you tomorrow.

Episode 17: The Biological Handshake: How to Stay Calm When They're Losing It | RAW Regulation

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