Episode 16: Externalizing the System: How to Change Your Language to Dissolve Conflict | RAW Regulation

February 11, 2026

Welcome to Day 3 of RAW Regulation—where we Regulate. Allow. Witness. Today, we're focusing on one of the most powerful shifts you can make in any relationship: changing your language from "You vs. Me" to "Us vs. The Pattern." Have you ever noticed that the moment you say "You always..." or "You never..." the other person immediately gets defensive? That's because "You" language puts their nervous system into fight-or-flight mode before they can even hear what you're actually trying to say. In this 10-minute practice, I'm teaching you how to externalize the system—a communication technique that moves you from being opponents to being teammates investigating a shared problem.
YOU'LL LEARN: - Why "You" language triggers instant defensiveness (even when you're not attacking) - How to name the pattern instead of blaming the person - The story of Sarah and Marcus: how one language shift stopped their pursuit-withdraw cycle - Specific language swaps you can use today in real conflicts - How externalizing creates curiosity instead of combat
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: [00:00] Welcome and Introduction [00:19] The Story of Marcus and Sarah [01:33] Understanding 'You' Language [02:29] Shifting to 'Our System' Language [04:48] Practical Examples and Exercises [08:48] Final Thoughts and Tomorrow's Preview
USE THIS TECHNIQUE WHEN: - You're about to bring up something difficult - You notice the familiar "death spiral" starting - Your partner is getting defensive - You want to be heard without triggering their survival response - You're tired of the same fight on repeat
LANGUAGE SWAP CHEAT SHEET: ❌ "You're stonewalling me" ✅ "I notice we're both in protective states right now" ❌ "You're being passive-aggressive" ✅ "I'm noticing some tension between us. Can we talk about it?" ❌ "You don't care about me" ✅ "My system is interpreting your distance as rejection. Is that what's happening?" ❌ "You're making me anxious" ✅ "I'm feeling really activated. I think my Seeker archetype is online." ❌ "You always do this" ✅ "I think we're doing that pursuit-withdraw dance again" ❌ "You never listen" ✅ "I don't feel heard right now. Can we reset?"
KEY QUOTES: "When you say 'You are the problem,' their nervous system hears 'I'm under attack.'" "Externalizing the problem moves you from being opponents to being teammates." "Your partner isn't trying to hurt you—they're trying to feel safe in the only way their nervous system knows how." "There's a difference between saying 'You hurt me' and saying 'When you said that, my system went into Red Zone and I felt really scared.'"
THIS WEEK'S SERIES - The Myth of the Toxic Partner: - Monday (Ep. 14): The Myth of the Toxic Partner - 30-minute deep dive - Tuesday (Ep. 15): The Mirror Check - Wednesday (Ep. 16): Externalizing the System ← You are here - Thursday (Ep. 17): Grounded Resonance - Friday (Ep. 18): The 6-Second Anchor
RESOURCES: 📋 Free Relationship Pattern Assessment: https://www.mind-fusion.com/primary-relationship-pattern-assessment 🎯 5-Day Biological Consent Challenge: https://www.mind-fusion.com/tiny-challenge 📚 Break the Pattern Course: https://www.mind-fusion.com/break-the-pattern-course
ABOUT RAW REGULATION: RAW Regulation is your unfiltered nervous system practice. No fluff. No theory. Just embodied tools you can use immediately in real life. RAW = Regulate. Allow. Witness. Every Tuesday through Friday, I bring you a somatic practice that builds on Monday's deep-dive teaching. These are the tools I use with private coaching clients—distilled into practices you can do anywhere, anytime.
ABOUT YOUR HOST: Erica Carter-Folk is the founder of Mind Fusion Transformations and creator of the Bio-Sanctuary Protocol™. She specializes in helping high-achieving individuals break destructive relationship patterns through nervous system regulation and her proprietary Hypno-Breath Fusion™ methodology.
CONNECT WITH ERICA: Website: https://mind-fusion.com Email: [email protected] Instagram: @ericadc75 (relationship nervous system) | @mindfusioncoach LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/ericafolk Facebook: https://facebook.com/mindfusioncoach TikTok: @mindfusioncoach | @ericadc75
If this practice landed for you, please subscribe to The Regulated Life and leave a 5-star review. Your support helps us reach more people who are ready to regulate, allow, and witness their way to healthier relationships. Let's regulate. Allow. Witness. Together. #RAWRegulation #RegulateAllowWitness #TheRegulatedLife #ExternalizingTheSystem #CommunicationSkills #RelationshipLanguage #ConflictResolution #NervousSystemTools #RelationshipHealing #EricaCarterFolk #MindFusionTransformations

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] /Welcome to Day three, beautiful Soul. Today we're gonna shift the language you use when things get heated, and I promise you this one simple change can completely transform how conflicts unfold in your relationship./

Let me tell you about Marcus and Sarah. You might remember them from Monday's podcast episode. Sarah was the pursuer. Marcus was the withdrawer, and they were stuck in what I call the "death spiral." Every time Sarah felt Marcus pulling away, she would chase.

She'd say things like, "you never talk to me." "You're always on your phone." "You don't care about this relationship." And every time she said 'you', Marcus' whole body would tense up. His jaw would clench. His eyes will look for the nearest exit.

Because when Sarah said, you are the problem. Marcus's [00:01:00] nervous system heard, I'm under attack. And what does a nervous system do when it's under attack? It defends. It fights back. Or in Marcus's case, it retreats even further into the bunker. Sarah thought she was just expressing her feelings, but her nervous system was actually confirming Marcus's worst fear.

"See. She thinks I'm the bad guy." "I can't do anything, right? It's not safe to engage."

Now here's the thing. Sarah wasn't wrong to feel hurt. She wasn't wrong to want more connection. She wasn't wrong to be frustrated. But the language she was using, the 'YOU' language was making it impossible for Marcus to actually hear her.

Because 'you' language puts the other person's nervous system in defense mode immediately. You never listen. [00:02:00] Defense. Yes I do. You're being selfish. Defense. No, I'm not. You are the selfish one. You always do this. Defense. I don't always do anything.

See what happens. The conversation becomes about who's right and who's wrong. It becomes about defending your position. And connection? Connection goes out the window.

So here's what I taught Sarah, and here's what I wanna teach you today.

Instead of saying, "you are doing this to me."

I want you to say, "our system feels really activated right now."

Listen to the difference.

Instead of "you are stonewalling me." Try. "I notice we're both in a protective state right now."

And instead of "you're being controlling." [00:03:00] Try. " Our nervous systems are both trying to feel safe in different ways."

Instead of "you never care about my feelings." Try, "I think we've both left the green zone. Can we pause and reset?"

Do you hear the shift?

When you externalize the problem. When you name the system as a thing that's dysregulated, instead of naming the person. You move from being opponents to being teammates. You're no longer fighting each other. You're both looking at the shared nervous system pattern and saying, "okay, how do we solve this together?"

So Sarah tried it the next time she felt Marcus pulling away, instead of saying, "you're shutting down on me again."

She took a breath and said, "I think our system just got activated. I can feel myself wanting to chase [00:04:00] you and I can see you wanting to retreat. Can we pause for a second?"

And you know what Marcus did? He looked up, he made eye contact and he said, "yeah, I can feel it too."

That was the first time in months that they've been able to name what was happening without blaming each other.

From that place, from that shared awareness, they were able to actually regulate together. Sarah didn't chase. Marcus didn't retreat. They just sat together for a minute, breathing until they both felt like they were back in the same room.

Now I wanna be really clear about something. This doesn't mean you can never express hurt. This doesn't mean you can't name when someone's behavior has impacted you. You absolutely can, but [00:05:00] there's a difference between saying "you hurt me "and saying, "when you said that thing earlier, my system went into red zone and I felt really scared."

The first one is an accusation. The second one is a report from your nervous system. The first one puts them on the defensive. The second one invites them into curiosity.

Here's another example. Instead of you're being passive aggressive, try, "I'm noticing some tension between us and I'm not sure what's happening. Can we talk about it."

Instead of "you don't care about me?" Try. "My system is interpreting your distance as a rejection and I need to check if that's actually what's happening."

Instead of "you're making me anxious." Try, "I'm feeling really activated right now. I think my seeker archetype is [00:06:00] online. Can we ground together for a second?"

See how different that feels? You are not blaming, your reporting. You're inviting collaboration, instead of demanding defense, and most importantly, you're naming the pattern, instead of attacking the person.

Because here's what I know to be true after a decade of doing this work. Most of the time, your partner isn't trying to hurt you. They're just trying to feel safe in the only way their nervous system knows how. When Marcus withdrew, he wasn't trying to punish Sarah.

He was trying to protect himself from what felt like an incoming attack. When Sarah pursued, she wasn't trying to control Marcus. She was trying to soothe the panic her nervous system felt when he pulled away. Neither of them was [00:07:00] wrong. They were just dysregulated. And the moment they could name the system as the problem, "our system is activated."

Instead of naming each other as the problem, everything's softened.

So here's your practice for today. The next time you feel yourself getting activatted. The next time you feel that familiar frustration or hurt or anger rising, pause. Before you say you always or you never, or you're being, take a breath. And ask yourself, can I name the system instead of blaming the person?

Can you say,

I think we're both in red zone right now.

Our system feels activated.

I noticed we're doing that [00:08:00] pursuit with Draw Dance again.

I'm in Seeker archetype and I think you're in Bunker. Can we reset?

It might feel awkward at first. It might feel clunky, and that's okay. You're learning a new language. The language of the nervous system, the language of collaboration instead of combat. And the more you practice it, the more natural it becomes.

Try it today.

The next time conflict arises, externalize the system. Name the pattern. Invite teamwork. And watch what happens.

/Tomorrow we're gonna talk about something that feels almost impossible, how to stay regulated when the other person is dysregulated. How to be the stable tuning fork.[00:09:00]

Until then, keep practicing, keep externalizing, keep moving from you versus me to us versus the pattern. I'll see you tomorrow for day four.

Episode 16: Externalizing the System: How to Change Your Language to Dissolve Conflict | RAW Regulation

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