[00:00:00] Hey love. Welcome back to the Regulated Life. Pour yourself something warm. Get comfortable because today we're going inside deep inside to a truth that's gonna change the way you see every conflict, every trigger, every moment you've ever felt like you were losing yourself in the relationship and wondered, why does this keep happening when I know better?
Let me tell you about Sarah and Marcus. They came to me six months ago and on paper they were doing everything right. They had a therapist, they read all the books attached, hold me tight. The seven principles they were doing, everything they were told would work. They practiced I statements, they had weekly check-ins.
They were committed. But here's what kept happening. Every time they tried to [00:01:00] talk about something hard, money, intimacy, his mother, her work stress, it would start calm, reasonable, almost hopeful. And then somewhere around minute three or four, Sarah would feel it. This tightness in her chest, this heat rising up her neck.
Her heart pounding so loud, she could barely hear Marcus anymore. And Marcus, he'd see her face change that slight narrowing of her eyes, the way her jaw set and his whole body would brace. And before either of them could stop it, they were in the storm. Sarah would get sharp. Cutting, saying things she didn't mean, but couldn't stop.
Marcus was shut down, go [00:02:00] silent, disappear right in front of her. And afterward they both feel wrecked, ashamed, confused, like they failed something that mattered because they knew the tools, they wanted to do it differently. So what was happening?
They didn't have a communication problem.
They had a consent problem. Not the kind you are thinking of. Take a breath with me. Inhale. Exhale.
Let me explain what I mean. Biological consent, it's the missing piece. We talk about consent and relationships all the time.
We talk about consent and relationships [00:03:00] all the time, consent to sex, consent to boundaries, consent to hard conversations, but there's a layer underneath all that, that we almost never talk about. Biological consent. And here's what I mean by that. Can your nervous system actually consent to this moment?
Not your mind, not your intentions. Your body, your biology, the part of you that's been shaped by every moment of safety and danger you've ever experienced.
Because here's the truth, I need you to really hear:
if your nervous system is dysregulated, if you are in what I call the red zone. You are biologically incapable of consenting to a productive conversation no matter how much insight you have. Not because you [00:04:00] don't want to, not because you're immature or broken or lack willpower,
but because you're prefrontal cortex,
the part of your brain that handles empathy, perspective taking nuance, language processing is offline.
Your vagus nerve is constantly voting on whether you're safe or in danger, and when it votes danger. Even if that danger is just your partner's tone, or the memory of how your dad used to yell, or the fear that you're about to be abandoned again, your body takes over. Your amygdala lights up, cortisol floods your system.
Your heart rate spikes, your vision narrows, and now you're in survival mode and survival mode is not where connection lives. [00:05:00] In survival mode, you don't have access to curiosity, compassion, rational thoughts, the ability to truly hear another person. You're not in a conversation anymore.
You're in a fight for your life. Even if the threat is just your partner saying, can we talk about last night?
So here's the hill I will die on. The truth I need every single person in a relationship to understand. You cannot have a productive connecting conversation if your nervous system hasn't consented to it.
This isn't opinion, it's biology. You can try, you can use all the right words. You can mean well.
But if your biology is screaming danger, [00:06:00] you are not really there. You're a ghost of yourself operating from a 10,000 year old survival script and asking it to do modern love. And your partner, they can feel it, even if they can't name it. That's what's happening with Sarah and Marcus.
Sarah's nervous system learned in childhood that raised voices meant violence. So the moment Marcus's tone shifted even slightly, her body went into fight mode before her brain even registered what he said.
Marcus's nervous system learned that when women got emotional, he disappeared, got smaller, became invisible. So the moment Sarah's intensity rose, his body wanted to freeze before he even chose to shut down. [00:07:00] Neither of them was choosing the storm. Their bodies were doing exactly what they were trained to do. Their bodies were choosing survival. Let's pause here. Take one slow breath with me in through your nose.
And out through your mouth. Ah.
So what do we do? We make the shift. And the shift is this. Stop asking, why is my partner doing this to me? And start asking, what is my biology doing right now? Because when you're in the middle of a fight, your brain wants to make it about them.
They're being unreasonable.
They're not listening.
They're the problem.
[00:08:00] But here's the truth, love. Your partner isn't doing something to you. Your nervous system is doing something for you. I had to learn this the hard way it is trying to protect you. It just doesn't realize the war is over.
So instead of trying to fix the conversation. We start by meeting our biology where it is. I call this the biological handshake. Before you try to communicate, you check in. Where am I in my house right now? Green zone. The living room. I feel calm, curious, open. I can hear my partner. I can be present. Okay? I can have this conversation.[00:09:00]
Yellow zone, the hallway, I'm starting to feel activated. My chest is tight. I'm getting defensive. I'm not in danger yet, but I'm headed there. I need to pause and regulate before I go further.
Red zone, the basement. I'm flooded. My heart is racing. I wanna scream or shut down or leave. I wanna scream or shut down or leave. I can't think straight. I cannot have this conversation right now. I need to get out of the basement first. Let's pause here. Take a slow breath with me and through your nose and not through your mouth.[00:10:00]
And here's the radical part. You name it out loud, not as a defense, but as an act of care, not to your partner as a weapon, but as information. Hey. I wanna talk about this, but I'm noticing my body is in the yellow zone right now. Can we pause for five minutes so I can regulate? I wanna be able to really hear you.
Or I'm in the red zone. I can feel it if I keep going right now, I'm gonna say something I don't mean. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes? This is not avoidance. This is respect for your body and for the relationship. Some people hear this and think, wait, are you saying I should just walk away from hard conversations?
No, [00:11:00] I'm saying stop trying to have hard conversations from the basement because when you're dysregulated, you're not, you. You are your 7-year-old self, or your traumatized self, or your terrified self, and that version of you doesn't have the capacity to build. And that version of you doesn't have the capacity to build connection.
They only have the capacity to survive. So we regulate first and then we communicate. That's the biological handshake. You are saying to your nervous system, I see you. I hear you. You're trying to protect me, but we're safe. Let me show you. And you're saying to your partner, I care about this conversation.
I care about you, and I wanna show up fully for it, [00:12:00] which means I need to,
and you're saying to your partner. I care about this conversation. I care about you and I wanna show up for it fully, which means I need to get regulated first. That is biological consent.
So here's what I want you to practice this week, love. Before you have a hard conversation, hell, before you respond to a text that makes your stomach drop, check in with your body. Where are you in your house? Green, yellow, red. And if you're not in the green zone, don't force it. Regulate first. Get yourself back to the living room, then communicate.
Connection [00:13:00] doesn't happen in the basement. It happens in the living room where your body knows it's safe in your nervous system. It's been waiting your whole life for you to learn the difference and for you to stop forcing connection where safety hasn't landed yet.
Before we keep going, let's regulate together. Breathe in with me for four, hold for two, and out for six. Ready? Inhale, hold, and release.
Good.
Tomorrow, I'm giving you your first five minute regulation tool, a practice you can use in real time to move from red to yellow to green. It's gonna change everything. Until then, [00:14:00] I'll meet you in the sanctuary. Take care of that beautiful nervous system of yours.
It's been taking care of you for a long time. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow.
