[00:00:00] You know that feeling when you have guests over and you're running around making sure everyone's comfortable, refilling drinks, asking if they need anything, adjusting the temperature, but you haven't even sat down yourself. You're in your own house, your own living room, but somehow you are the one who doesn't belong there.
That's what happens when the living room of your inner sanctuary is out of balance.
You've made everyone else comfortable while abandoning yourself in the space that's supposed to be yours.
Welcome back to the Regulated Life. I'm Erica Folk, and this is Method Monday where we go room by room through your inner sanctuary, giving you the frameworks and tools to actually heal, not just cope. Last week I introduced you to the inner sanctuary and I walked you through all the rooms of your inner home.[00:01:00]
This week, we're stepping into the first room, the living room. That's where your boundaries live, where you navigate relationships and belonging. And for most of us, this room is exhausting. So let's talk about why you can't stop people pleasing, what your nervous system has to do with it, and how to finally reclaim your space.
The living room is where relationships happen. It's where you decide who gets access to your energy, your time, your emotional labor. It's where you practice belonging without abandoning yourself. But here's what most of us learned to belong. You have to manage everyone else's comfort to be loved. You have to make yourself small.
To keep the peace, you have to override your own needs. [00:02:00] You know that feeling when you're sitting in a room full of people and someone says something that bothers you, but you smile and stay quiet because you don't wanna make it awkward. Or when someone asks you for a favor and you immediately say yes, even though you're already drowning.
Or maybe when you're exhausted, but you keep showing up, keep giving, keep performing because if you stop, what if they leave?
That's living in a dysregulated living room and your nervous system is running the show. Here's what's happening underneath the people pleasing your nervous system developed a survival strategy early on. Maybe you grew up in a home where love was conditional, where you learn that to be safe, you had to read the room.
Managing emotions, keep everyone happy. [00:03:00] So your brain wired a pattern. Safety equals making others comfortable. And now as an adult, even when you're not in danger, your nervous system still believes that your survival depends on being liked, being needed, being easy. This is the Fawn response, one of the four trauma responses, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Fawning is when you abandon yourself to appease others. When you become a chameleon, when you say yes, when you mean no, when you prioritize everyone else's nervous system over your own. And here's the cost, you're exhausted, you resent the people you're trying to please. You've lost touch with what you actually want because you spent so long focusing on what everyone else needs.[00:04:00]
Your relationships feel draining instead of nourishing and deep down, you don't even know if people love you for you or for what you do for them.
The living room is where you learn to change the pattern, where you practice setting boundaries, not as walls to keep people out, but as doors that you get to open and close because here's the truth a boundary isn't mean. It's honest. Saying no is not selfish, it's self preservation. And the people who truly love you, they don't need you to abandon yourself to earn their affection.
Let's talk about what happens in your body when you, people please. When you say yes, but mean no. Your nervous system registers [00:05:00] that disconnect. Your body knows you're lying. It creates this low grade stress response, tightness in your chest pit, in your stomach. That feeling of being trapped.
Because when you people please, you are essentially telling your nervous system. Their needs matter more than my safety. And your body? It doesn't know the difference between, I said yes to a commitment I don't want, and I'm in actual danger.
It just knows we're not safe. We're abandoning ourselves again. Over time, this chronic self abandonment keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode. You are always scanning for what other people need. Always performing. Always exhausted.
So how do you heal the living room? [00:06:00] First, you
learn to recognize the fawn response in real time. Notice when. Your chest tightens, but you smile anyway. You say yes before you even think about it. You change your opinion based on who's in the room. You feel resentful after doing something nice. These are your body signals that you're people pleasing.
Second. You practice the pause. Before you say yes, pause, take a breath.
Ask yourself, do I actually want to do this? Or am I afraid of what happens if I say no? That pause is where your power lives.
Third, you start saying, no. Not as punishment, but as practice. Start small. Say no to something. Low [00:07:00] stakes. No, I can't make that meeting. No, I'm not available this weekend. No, I need to think about it.
And notice what happens in your body. The fear. The guilt. The voice that says they're going to be upset. They're going to think you're selfish. That's your nervous system, recalibrating. It is learning that saying no doesn't equal abandonment, that you can disappoint someone and still be safe.
Fourth, you redefine belonging. True belonging doesn't require you to shrink. It doesn't require you to perform. It doesn't require you to manage everyone else's emotions. True belonging is when you can show up as yourself messy. Imperfect. With boundaries, and still be [00:08:00] loved. If someone only loves you when you're convenient, easy, or compliant, then that's not love.
That's conditioning.
Let me tell you about a client. We'll call her Michelle. Michelle came to me completely burnt out. She was the person everyone called when they needed something. The friend who always showed up, the daughter who handled everything, the colleague who took on extra projects without being asked, and she was exhausted. Resentful. Losing herself.
And when I asked her, when was the last time you said no to someone? She couldn't even remember. We started working on her living room and the first thing we uncovered was this belief. If I say no, I'm a bad person. That belief didn't come [00:09:00] from nowhere. It came from a childhood where love was earned through performance we're being good, meant being accommodating. Where her needs were inconvenient.
So her nervous system learned safety equals saying yes, danger equal disappointing people. We used hypno breath fusion to rewire that belief. We did somatic work to help her body feel safe enough to set boundaries, and we practice saying no in small, safe ways first. And here's what shifted. Michelle started saying no to things that drained her.
She stopped volunteering for every committee. She let people be disappointed without rushing to fix it. And you know what happened? Some people pulled back and that hurt. But the people who truly loved her, [00:10:00] they stayed. They respected her boundaries. They showed up differently. And Michelle told me, "I didn't know relationships could feel this light. I didn't know I could be loved for who I am, not just what I do." That's what happens when you heal the living room.
Okay, here's your practice for this week. I'm giving you three tools. Pick the one that feels most accessible right now. Tool number one is the boundary audit. Get out your journal and answer these questions.
Where in my life am I saying yes? When I mean no. Who am I people pleasing with the most? A partner? My family? My work? My friends.
What am I afraid will happen if I set a boundary?[00:11:00]
What would change if I prioritize my own needs as much as I prioritize others?
Just write no judgment, just awareness. And you can come back to this portion and pause it in between the questions so you can get your full thoughts out.
Tool number two is the pause practice. This week before you say yes to anything, pause 10 seconds, take a breath. Ask yourself, do I actually want to do this?
If the answer is no or I don't know, practice saying, let me think about it and get back to you. I'll say it again. Let me think about it and get back to you. You don't owe anyone an immediate yes.
Tool number three, the somatic Boundary Reset. [00:12:00] This is a breathwork practice to help your nervous system feel safe enough to hold boundaries.
Sit or stand. Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Three. Four. Hope for 4, 2, 3. Four out for 6, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Good. Keep going.
Hold out for six.
Good. Now as you breathe, say this silently or out loud. My no is sacred. Breathe.
I am allowed to prioritize my own needs. Breathe[00:13:00]
disappointing others. Does not make me a bad person.
Breathe.
I belong here even with the boundaries.
Do this for three to five minutes. Let your body remember that boundaries are not punishment, their protection.
Here's what I want you to know. People pleasing isn't kindness. It's self abandonment. And you can't build authentic relationships from a foundation of self betrayal. The living room is where you learn to stop managing everyone else's comfort and start reclaiming your own [00:14:00] space where you practice saying no without guilt, where you remember that true belonging doesn't require you to shrink.
This work isn't easy. Your nervous system will resist the people around. You might push back, but every boundary you set is a declaration. I matter. My needs matter. My energy is valuable.
Room by room, breath by breath. This is how you come home to yourself.
Tomorrow we'll continue this work with your daily raw regulation practice. Saying No is self preservation, and if this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop people pleasing. I'll see you back here tomorrow. [00:15:00] Until then, keep breathing, keep rising, keep regulating.
