You Can't Date Over Your Damage
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Erica: [00:00:00] Welcome to Inner Sanctuary RAW, where today we’re breaking down why you can’t date over your damage and how healing first changes everything.
You can't date over your damage. Listen to that again. You can't date over your damage because no matter how many dating apps you try, no matter how charming they are, your unhealed wounds will rise to the surface.
In this episode of the Inner Sanctuary Raw, I'm breaking down Why Unresolved trauma quietly sabotages your love life? How to spot the ways your nervous system picks the wrong partners, and what it really takes to build a relationship that's safe, steady, and real.
Welcome to the Inner Sanctuary Raw, where we strip away the polished version of healing and get real about what it takes to come home to yourself.[00:01:00]
Let's get real for a moment.
Here's the truth that no one wants to admit. If you're dating while you're still bleeding from the past, you're going to bleed on people who didn't cut you.
Your body remembers every heartbreak, betrayal, or abandonment. And when your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, you'll chase validation. Miss the red flags, or run from the very thing you want the most. Real love. But why does this happen even when you know better?
Let's look beneath the surface.
When you've experienced heartbreak or trauma, your nervous system adapts to keep you safe. It learns to scan for danger, even in moments that feel good. Your body might tense up around intimacy or your mind might replay old betrayals, making you hypervigilant or quick to pull away. [00:02:00] It's not just your picker that's off.
It's your biology trying to protect you from being hurt again. This isn't weakness. It's your body's way of saying, let's not get hurt like that again. But if you never reset the system, you keep choosing what's familiar, not what's healthy. Healing isn't about blaming yourself. It's about understanding your wiring and learning to create safety inside.
So you can choose love with clarity instead of fear.
Let's make this real with a metaphor.
Dating with unhealed trauma is like trying to build a house on broken glass. You might cover it with rugs and pretty furniture, but step in the wrong place and everything will cut you wide open. [00:03:00] You can't date over your damage. You have to clear the debris, your old patterns, the beliefs that say I'm not enough.
The fear that love always hurts. Otherwise, you'll keep repeating the same cycles. Different face, same heartbreak. I know this because I lived it.
After my divorce, I thought I was fine. I was strong, independent, and I swore I was ready to love again. But every time someone got close, I'd either sabotage it or settle for crumbs just to feel wanted and the truth,
I didn't need a partner. I needed .To stop running from my own pain.
I needed to come home to myself first.
So what does healing before dating really look like?
If you want to date healthy, [00:04:00] you have to be healthy. Emotionally, mentally, and somatically. That means regulating your nervous system, so triggers don't control your reactions.
Building self-worth that doesn't depend on who texts you back. Learning how to trust yourself so you know when love is real and when it's just familiar chaos.
When you heal, dating shifts from desperation to discernment. You stop chasing people who mirror your wounds and start attracting people who match your wholeness.
Let's take a breath together right now.
Bring your attention to your breath.
Inhale through your nose for a count of four.
Hold for two.
Exhale through your mouth like you're releasing the secret you no longer want to carry.[00:05:00]
Do that three more times. Inhale. Hold, exhale.
Do it again in your own time.
Feel your chest soften.
Feel your jaw unclench. This is how we create space for love. By finding safety inside First. Imagine for just [00:06:00] a moment what it would feel like to date from a place of wholeness.
Picture yourself meeting someone new, not searching for someone to fill the gaps, but sharing your life from a place of fullness.
You notice red flags early. You set boundaries with ease and you feel calm, not anxious when love begins to grow, you're not waiting to be chosen. You're choosing from power, clarity, and self-love.
Dating isn't about finding someone to complete you. It is about being so rooted in your own worth that you only invite love that feels like home.
If this episode resonated, I created a free heart opening harmony breath guide to help you release old pain and reconnect to yourself. [00:07:00] Grab it through the link in the show note. And start dating from a place of power, not pain.
Until next time, remember, healing your damage is the most radical act of love you can give yourself. And I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks for listening—remember, healing your damage is the most radical act of self-love.
